Unfamiliar Sombre Surroundings
by MeredithBrody
Summary: Meredith Brody has been avoiding talking in therapy until she was given the right therapist. Meredith Brody has been avoiding life until she was given the right circumstance. (4 Chapters, Prody)
1. Chapter 1

_So, as mentioned before I have been on HOLIDAY for most of November and I did NaNo too (in which I completely reworked another fic inspired by this song.) Now having actually **been** to New Orleans I understand so much more and I can use it for so much information in my writing. But anyway. This is a little 4 part story (that was originally going to be a oneshot) inspired by the song "Okay" by As It Is.  
Shin xx_

* * *

In unfamiliar, sombre surroundings  
Confessing all of me  
A perfect stranger she puts pen to paper  
Consoling in her sleep

Merri had come to her mandated therapy sessions for six months now, but she'd never been able to do more than talk factually about the case and why she was here. the idea of getting into her feelings was not what she wanted to do, pretending they didn't exist was better, it was safer. "You've been coming for six months now, we need to have a conversation eventually." McKenna, the NCIS psychologist she was seeing, tried to coax her into talking. He was the third one they'd assigned her, and he already seemed less like the other two than she'd expected. "You've come every week and sat here in complete silence for an hour, then left again. I praise your ability to commit, but it's not constructive."

"I don't like therapy." She admitted, and that was more than she'd given the others in six months. She just liked the energy this one had more. Merri based a lot of her life decisions on the energy of others, though that was impossible to explain to anyone else. Today she felt like she'd finally been presented with someone she might actually open up to.

"Nobody does." Well, that was honesty that she wasn't expecting, but it actually helped more than she wanted to admit. It confirmed that she'd probably been right about him, and that he was not at all like the average person she had been assigned to in these situations. That was probably why she was already feeling more comfortable here than she had been before. She still didn't want to think about her emotions. "What do you want to talk about, Agent Brody. Just talk, about anything."

"You're not going to ask me questions?" That was the thing that surprised her most, and she was actually surprised into silence more than wanting to remain silent. Part of why she hadn't wanted to talk had been that she hadn't had the control of the conversation. If she did, well, maybe she could talk about the one thing that had been on her mind all week. Ever since she'd realised it was more than six months since she'd left New Orleans.

"Not what I'm here for. You have to pick what you tell me." That was definitely what she wanted to hear, but she was still suspicious, as she knew there were things that NCIS would need to know about. If he didn't ask the questions, how would he get those answers.

"Thought NCIS needed you to know?" It was just going to be easier to ask straight out, know that he knew she wanted to know. She wasn't sure that it was going to work at all, but it was worth a try. This guy could rival Gibbs for the glares he gave though, and that bit of familiarity made her laugh. It was also something that made it obvious she was trying to avoid doing anything that would force her to look at her emotions, for even a second.

"Just need to know you're fit, not what we talk about." Alright, that actually made more sense, and also explained why one of her former Unit Chiefs hadn't bounced her immediately after her evaluation, in which she'd said that she dreamt about smashing his head through a wall.

"I like you. You're direct. I don't like therapy though." Initially she was going to leave it at that, but she decided to expand on it just a little. Make her first steps toward actually trying to embrace this whole thing and to make herself better. If there was such a thing. "I've never been good at talking about myself, or about emotions."

"How about you just try to think about what you most need to get off your chest." He seemed to seriously think that that was a good idea. "You're not going to surprise or shock me." Oh my, wasn't he confident about that. Merri was going to have to prove him wrong about that.

"You don't know." Merri was actually now going to try and surprise him, and given what it was that had been stuck in her mind for the last few weeks, she thought that it might actually be the last thing he could prepare for. In a way, she was looking forward to seeing if he could handle it, and how far she'd go with it before her own sense of self preservation stopped her talking.

"I've read your file, I'm read in on all of it." Well, that really wasn't going to help him that much. He wasn't read in on the inner workings of her mind, and without that, this would seem to come out of the offside. "You won't surprise me."

"Alright then. Let's try this." A challenge had been issued. That was one way to get her to talk, as she was never one to back away from a challenge. This was going to be one of the hardest things she'd done though. Chasing down a terror suspect armed with a bomb was nothing compared to this.


	2. Chapter 2

_So, as mentioned before I have been on HOLIDAY for most of November and I did NaNo too (in which I completely reworked another fic inspired by this song.) Now having actually **been** to New Orleans I understand so much more and I can use it for so much information in my writing. But anyway. This is a little 4 part story (that was originally going to be a oneshot) inspired by the song "Okay" by As It Is.  
Shin xx_

* * *

 _ **And how foreign it felt, when I opened my mouth**_  
 _ **And heard the truth come out**_  
 _ **I've been running away, a tired respite from pain**_  
 _ **My only novocaine**_

Merri was trying to think of the most shocking way to say what she was thinking about, and it would leave people guessing. That would hopefully let McKenna think that he still had the control of this, when Merri knew that she'd had all the control from the moment he'd said that she couldn't shock him. She knew that she needed to prove him wrong with that, and she was sure that he'd think that he knew who she was talking about. "I fell in love with someone."

"The man you killed, Agent Russo?" That was probably a good guess, given the notes in her file that she had gotten close to John. That implied that her relationship with sex was the same as the rest of the world's. She'd liked him, but she hadn't really cared about him at all, and in all honesty she wasn't that sorry he was dead. She most certainly wasn't in love with him.

"No. The man I left behind." Alright, she would admit that she was being purposefully vague, but it was actually the only way her mind was letting her get it out. She'd barely admitted to herself that she was in love, that that was the primary emotion that she was feeling here. Maybe saying it aloud would help.

"I read about a fiance in your file." James was another good guess, and Merri would actually give him that. She loved him deeply, but they had been in this strange, undefined state for longer than most people could hold down a marriage. She loved James, but she wasn't entirely certain that she was in love with him any longer.

"Ex-fiance. But it's not him." She was oddly picky about making sure that James was address properly, moreso than she ever had been when they were engaged. Taking a deep breath she realised that she was going to say it. She was going to let those words that felt so forbidden fall out of her mouth, and she actually didn't regret it. "I fell in love with my SSA." That was suddenly freeing, and she felt better having said it aloud. She was in love with Pride, and that was why she was struggling so much now. Not because of what she'd done, but because leaving was all that she could do.

"Agent Pride?" McKenna's shock was all worthwhile, and Merri knew that she'd won that battle that, in all likelihood, McKenna's hadn't even known that he was a part of. How could he have known? Most people didn't know she was competitive, and he couldn't have known about her secret feelings. Merri hadn't even expected to be telling anyone this so it was a surprise to her.

"Told you I could surprise you." She had known that she'd be able to, and she'd never been able to turn down a challenge. Especially when it came to exactly how messed up her emotions could be. She just didn't deal with them well, and just in admitting it she realised that there were things she'd left unsaid that she really shouldn't have.

"Wanna tell me how that happened?" McKenna was clearly trying to not push her, to let her tell him in her own time, but now that she'd started Merri wasn't certain that she could hold it in. She needed to talk about the confusion that was spinning around in her mind and try and make it linear, try and get it to make sense before she just threw everything away and did what she shouldn't do.

"We were always close, from the moment I arrived in New Orleans. He was just… different." It had always confused her how she'd known that he was different, but he just had been. His energy, like McKenna's, had been unexpected. His, though, had been warm and inviting, and for the first time in a long time had made her feel safe. "He was special. Then my last year we were partnered up, and things were messed up for me." That was an understatement, solving Emily's case had sent her into a tailspin. She'd always known there was something, but she never would have expected it to be Robert. Never would have expected it to be someone who was almost family. "He was there, he was kind. I fell for him and tried to pretend I didn't." It had been that night, outside his bar on St Patrick's Day. It had been building since she arrived but that was the night she first realised. "It was worse because I know he fell for me too."

"Why is that playing on your mind?" That was a good question, and Merri fell silent as she thought about it for a moment. Why did that seem so important. Why did it seem so much like she needed to push past that. There was only so many reasons she could picture, but one of them was more obvious than the others. Mostly, that she missed him.

"Because I never said goodbye to him." The realisation was the thing that spurred her into action, and she wasn't sure how she should feel about that. All she knew was that the very gentle prodding of McKenna had helped her realise more about her situation than six months of trying to move past it had. "Damn, doc you're good. I'll be back next week." She stood up at that point and looked around with a grin, she knew now what it was that needed to do.

"Brody, we're not done." he called after her, and she paused at the door with her jacket over her arm. This was probably the most abrupt end to a session he'd ever had, but Merri knew that this was where they had needed to end things, because if she didn't make herself go now she wouldn't go at all.

"This week, we are. I promise, I'll explain next week." She grabbed her bag and just pulled her phone out, using one of the apps she trusted to book the first flight to New Orleans. She needed to deal with this, right now, if she didn't she was going to regret it the rest of her life. Even if it wasn't what she wanted, she knew that he couldn't be waiting for her to be less of a mess. She had to set him free.


	3. Chapter 3

_The first paragraph of this is actually from personal experience. My favourite memory of the corner the office is near (Bourbon and St Ann's) is that my **second** night in New Orleans we walked up it to get back to the apartment we rented... and there was a guy in a leather thong belly dancing with a Donald Trump head on a Devil's Trident. The things you see in that city I swear to god.  
Shin xx_

* * *

 _ **So keep your "It'll get better"'s**_  
 _ **And I'll keep my "I'll be just fine"'s**_  
 _ **I'll show you flashes of colours**_  
 _ **And hide behind bouquets of lies**_

The flight had been mercifully quick, and only four hours after leaving McKenna office she was getting out of an Uber outside of the office on St Ann's. Nothing had changed, and she could remember the walk up and through Armstrong Park back to her house. She could remember the smell of every early morning as the last revellers were finally removed from Bourbon Street, right there on the next corner. Every memory flooded back as she stood there, but that didn't change her resolve. Showing her I'd to get her through the gate she walked into the main office and just sat there, waiting for King to notice she was there. When he did he just looked at her for a second as though he couldn't believe his eyes then got up and walked over to her, running his hands through her hair as if to prove that she was really there. "You're… you're back?"

"Not really." She shook her head, not wanting him to get his hopes up about her returning to work and live here. She'd love to be back in this city that she adored, but it wouldn't be good for her until she knew what she needed from herself, and what she needed from everyone else. "I'm only here for a few hours, then I'm going back."

"Then… Why are you here?" There was disappointment spreading through his expression, and Merri was sorry that she'd caused him that pain. The last thing that she wanted to do was hurt him, but it seemed like right now it was inevitable. She was going to hurt him, and that was unavoidable because he was so honest in his desire for her to be back.

"Because… I realised that there was this gigantic loose end I left here, and I needed to tie it up so we could both move on." Merri wasn't one to dance around the subject matter, and she was sure that she could have avoided it for some time, but she didn't want to. She wanted to tell him straight because that was the only way either of them was going to be able to get through this. If that was really even possible, seeing him made her realise how deeply her feelings for him ran, and how difficult this was going to be.

"Merri?" He looked concerned about her, and his thumb was still on her cheek, his hand still in her hair. She actually didn't mind that. Even thought she was sure she was about to break both their hearts, she was glad that he hadn't moved away from her, glad that he hadn't let her go. In a way, that was making it easier.

"I know that… since Emily's case, those last few months I was your agent… Something changed between us. We both felt it." Maybe they'd never mentioned it, but the late nights had gotten later, the early mornings had gotten earlier. Any time it was just the two of them had been cherished. Then her final night there, everything that had happened in it. She had hoped that would be her turning point, but it wasn't. "That one night… it was perfect."

"What are you saying?" King clearly wasn't following her thoughts, and she didn't blame him for that. They were disjointed, and coming in confusing flashes that seemed to make little or no logical sense. She knew what the bottom line was though, and that was where she needed to get to. She needed to focus on the bottom line, the rest would follow.

"I love you, but I can't stay here." There, she'd managed to tell him that she loved him, but that wasn't why she couldn't stay. If she had the choice, if she had nothing to hurt her, no past that was going to weigh on her, she would stay forever. Something had stolen that from her. "After Russo… it's just another place that I fucked up."

"Merri it'll g-" King started and that was the one sentence that Merri couldn't stand to hear. Maybe from others, but not from him. If he told her that she might start believing it, and that would make it even harder to do the things that she needed to do. Cut the ties, start moving on.

"I'm going to stop you right there. It won't get better, King. It won't. Not for me." She desperately hoped that in time the others would forget about her. She'd be a casual mention when they spoke about the past. Not something that hampered their present with her memory. "Maybe you can move on, but I'm going to look around this city, a city I love by the way, and I'm going to see my failure reflected back at me from every window." New Orleans was one of her favourite places on the planet, but that wouldn't change this, and it was part of how she knew she wouldn't ever get better. "I'm not going to tell you I'll be fine, so don't tell me I'll get better."


	4. Chapter 4

_I am really sorry if you thought this fic was going to have a happy ending but... nahhhhhh. I will be back posting regularly in the New Year with a reworked (and as yet untitled) version of the Brames fic "Sadness Catching Up With Me" that I worked on through NaNo, and I'm hoping to start with the sequel to "Bitter, Broken Me" in the next few weeks (called "Relive The Story") which will follow them through becoming parents and their take on the PerSalle relationship, so I promise that will be coming up too. Right now though...This is it. Catch you on the flip side.  
Shin xx_

* * *

 _ **I don't know if I've been worse, I don't know if I can change**_  
 _ **But right now I don't think that I'm OK**_

They both fell silent, and slowly King dropped his hand and stepped back. It was only a few centimetres but she felt the emotional distance starting already. Both of them pulling away from a future that could have been so perfect for both of them. It just wasn't to be, and she wasn't going to let it end either of them. "So, what do you mean by all of this?" His voice was quiet, and she almost prayed that someone would interrupt them, but at the same time she wasn't sure she wanted anyone else to know she'd stopped by. This was difficult enough.

"I mean… I love you, desperately." That was the truth of the matter. She was never going to not love him, but it would likely fade, just like it had with James, and eventually it would be in the back of her mind where all the other emotions that she'd rather not face could be found. "But right now… I don't even remember if I've ever been in a worse mental state than I am, and I really don't know if I can change it."

"You can get help." King sounded so broken, and everything in Merri was trying to convince her mind to change it's decision, to tell him that she was wrong and she'd stop and just stay with him for as long as he wanted her to. She wasn't going to do that though, she knew that in the long run this was going to be better for them both.

"Which I am, and maybe one day I can face everything here again." She actually desperately hoped that that day would come, and that she wasn't going to regret everything when it came to telling her former partner that she couldn't be with him, and she couldn't deal with the idea that he might wait for her. "But I don't know. I don't know anything, really."

"What do you know?" King smiled, and she could tell that he was trying to lighten the mood just a little. She adored him for the attempt, but she knew that even now she needed to continue to be honest about how she felt and what was happening with her and within her. It was the only thing that was making her feel normal, and given that she hated showing this much of herself to people in general, it was a new experience for her too.

"I know that I'm not okay. Not now, maybe not ever." There was a good chance this was her new version of okay, and that thought terrified her, but now that she had started telling him that she loved him she couldn't seem to stop. "I love you, I'm pretty sure you love me, but I don't want you to wait around for me to recover from something that I don't know if I'll ever be able to."

"Merri, you're worth waiting for." Of course he would think that, would be the person willing to wait around for her to be someone or do something that she wasn't actually sure that she'd ever really be able to experience. He was a truly special person, and he deserved to be happy.

"King, don't." She would beg him if she had to, and she knew that somewhere out there was someone else who would make him happy. Happier than she ever could have done. She didn't really want to let him go but she wanted for him to be happy. That was more important to her than anything else. "You'll find someone else perfect for you."

"I already have." He said, and Merri knew that she had lost the fight, but she had said what she needed to say and she had felt the loose end she'd hated tying itself up. That wasn't going to stop King going his own way though, and she already knew that this was not going to be an easy fight. "I will wait, and I will come see you in DC when we can get a break, because I love you as well."

"If you think that's best, but I don't." She wanted to make it clear that she thought he was making a bad choice, she just couldn't see him throwing potential happiness with someone away because he was waiting for a sign from her. This was the clearest she could think to show him. "See you, King." She couldn't actually resist from giving him one gentle lingering kiss before she just turned on her heel and walked back out of the carport door. What she knew, beyond all doubt, was that this was her last visit to New Orleans for a very long time. She loved this place, and the people in it, but she couldn't stay.


End file.
